I Know Old Now

I am only beginning now to understand me
Who I am and what makes me tick
Five decades and more now, almost sixty
Am I not supposed to be a woman anymore?
Inside I am a girl
I brush my long hair and like its softness
I still crave the body of a man
I still need his touch at the deepest place in me
My eyes still look the same in the mirror
And I notice more now than I ever did.

I love more now the gentleness of the rain
I see more in its raindrops and feel more with its touch
I look into the snow crystal and see a world beyond
Mirrored and mirrored again in multiple slant and colour
I feel the depth of the fawn’s life as he lies stilled at the road’s edge
And sense the mother just beyond the grove of trees, waiting there…
I imagine more now in each glimpse of another’s life
And I understand her perception like never before.

Why then am I ousted to another spot,
Away from real life and importance and matter?
Am I now too outdated?
Because my life borders on another level that younger people avoid?
Because I do not walk the usual path?
Because the grey in my hair shows?
Because the lines in my face make younger people guilty?
Makes them wonder how they will cope when it happens to them.

But I live more now than I ever did
Even though my movements are slower and my thoughts might seem fuzzy...
There is a razor edge just beyond touch
And I often journey there.

When I walk I am glad for the body I live in
When I am still I find rest in peaceful awareness
As I breathe I am grateful for the air I take in
I feel my lungs, my breath, my life.

Cast me away then, no longer needed really
Ideas from the past redundant
Ways gone by only written now in poetry
Words and phrases lost to time
But so rich and you don’t know what you are missing!
Watch my step and even though I falter, I am
More aware now of the earth beneath my step and the mistiness of the air
I see the bird pause to watch me from the branch and I see into her soul.

Like never before now, like never before.

wishing for all of you, love and laughter always

cailin raine