I Know Old Now

I am only beginning now to understand me
Who I am and what makes me tick
Five decades and more now, almost sixty
Am I not supposed to be a woman anymore?
Inside I am a girl
I brush my long hair and like its softness
I still crave the body of a man
I still need his touch at the deepest place in me
My eyes still look the same in the mirror
And I notice more now than I ever did.

I love more now the gentleness of the rain
I see more in its raindrops and feel more with its touch
I look into the snow crystal and see a world beyond
Mirrored and mirrored again in multiple slant and colour
I feel the depth of the fawn’s life as he lies stilled at the road’s edge
And sense the mother just beyond the grove of trees, waiting there…
I imagine more now in each glimpse of another’s life
And I understand her perception like never before.

Why then am I ousted to another spot,
Away from real life and importance and matter?
Am I now too outdated?
Because my life borders on another level that younger people avoid?
Because I do not walk the usual path?
Because the grey in my hair shows?
Because the lines in my face make younger people guilty?
Makes them wonder how they will cope when it happens to them.

But I live more now than I ever did
Even though my movements are slower and my thoughts might seem fuzzy...
There is a razor edge just beyond touch
And I often journey there.

When I walk I am glad for the body I live in
When I am still I find rest in peaceful awareness
As I breathe I am grateful for the air I take in
I feel my lungs, my breath, my life.

Cast me away then, no longer needed really
Ideas from the past redundant
Ways gone by only written now in poetry
Words and phrases lost to time
But so rich and you don’t know what you are missing!
Watch my step and even though I falter, I am
More aware now of the earth beneath my step and the mistiness of the air
I see the bird pause to watch me from the branch and I see into her soul.

Like never before now, like never before.

wishing for all of you, love and laughter always

cailin raine

Red-Light Night Of the Prairie People

The room above the bar was the cheapest we could find
We could see the filthy alley from the window, hear the grind
Of heaving, dirty bodies midst the rubbish down below,
We could see them in the moonlight, red-light ladies in the glow.

The men were darkened figures, grunting pig-like on the earth,
We closed the grime-stained window, cast our eyes towards the hearth
Where our fire made soft shadows on the multi-colored wall
And we pretended we were safe, unlike the low-life down below.

I had one clean, white-lace nightie left, the armpit carefully sewn
And I washed in the basin which had edges very worn
I glanced at the man whom I had wed, sprawled on the bed
And felt the life inside me move, like the tumult in my head.

Then the raucous laughter crept its way, up the barren stairs
And I opened the old door a crack, and brushed my golden hair
Our room was such a far cry from my girlhood fancy home…
And I turned to see the man I loved, stretch and softly moan.

How far we’d brought the wagon from the prairie’s dried dust fields!
Where no crop was left to feed us, no wheat or flour or yield
The grass was brittle underfoot, the cattle thin and starved,
We had to leave the home we’d loved, the life which we had carved.

Now these dreadful streets did mock us, where could we start anew?
I chained the door, looked out the glass, watched a black bird as it flew
She flew up to the rooftop of the highest house in town
She soared up to the chimney, and never once looked down.
　　
And then a Peace did settle, and it felt like Grandma’s lap
Where I’d rocked as a little girl, and she’d tell me, “Don’t look back!”
“Forge ahead and pray my girl, He’ll never let you down!”
Words spoken from her wrinkled face, I’ll ne’er forget the sound.

Her tender words with Irish lilt, sank deep into my bones
And I knew then with a certainty, we’d make a brand new home
The wee one there snug in my loins, shifted in her sleep
As did my man on his weary bed, lost in dreams so deep.

I blew the dripping candle out, and laid down by his side
Tomorrow we would pack and plan, continue with our ride
Towards the promised pasture where the sun and rain would give
Our future and our livelihood, our love would last, we’d live!

“Onward Christian soldiers!”, my Grandma softly sang
And as our wagon trundled on, I felt the warm, sweet rain!
My husband turned to smile at me, the drops fell from his face
And here I knew beside this man, there was no better place.

We left the red-light ladies in the dreary, dingy bar
And the day we found our homestead, we knew we’d come so far!
From the saddened prairie dust bowls, to that evil alley strife…
To these fields of grass and splendour, our new God-given life.

cailin raine